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Robust Self-care Practices Beyond the Unhelpful Stereotypes

Social media often sets unrealistic and superficial standards for self-care that may leave you feeling inadequate and unclear on what will help. This may mean you are sidelining your self-care to prioritise the demands of your business and daily life without a clear understanding of what you are forfeiting. In this episode I’ll challenge the stereotypes and provide you with a comprehensive framework to create your very own, unique and personalised self-care plan.

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📍 📍   You’re listening to Unearthing Gold, a podcast packed with actionable, practical, and value adding insight for women who lead. Unearthing gold is inspired by the coaching principle that your gold is already within you. My role as a coach is to help you unearth your gold by clearing the clutter that suggests anything other than that.

My name is Ashleigh Hayden and I am a behavioral coach accredited with the International Coach Federation. My coaching practice is informed by neuroscience and acceptance and commitment therapy, which really just means I have a nuanced understanding of why we do the things we do and how we might. Do them better.

It also means I spend a lot of money on exams. If you hang out with me too often, I promise I will brainwash you into trusting yourself and believing you can achieve anything. Today I want to talk about self care for women who lead. I want to talk about robust self care practices beyond the unhelpful stereotypes.

I’m going to look at, I want to explore the reasons why social media stereotypes are problematic and what we might be overlooking as a result and what they might be overlooking. We’ll look at a framework that was designed to measure and create measurable improvements for well being, um, in some detail, and I’ll make some suggestions.

Uh, on what practices you might build into your everyday life. This is a great episode for you to take some notes if that would work for you. Otherwise, I’ll give you lots of opportunities to just think about some of the things that I’m putting to you.

In terms of evolution, our brains, in terms of evolution, social media is relatively new, as we all know. It is a relatively new addition to our lives, which means that our brains are still recalibrating to its existence. When it comes to social media, um, When it comes to self care on social media, there is frequently an unrealistic um, and often superficial standard that is set around self care.

Um, if you think of Kim Kardashian and her 23 face creams before bed in her perfectly lit bathroom, or the hashtag self care attached to an indulgent spa day. These stereotypes often leave us feeling inadequate, and certainly, as I’ve seen in many of my clients, um, can leave you feeling like, can leave you, lead you to sideline your self care practices in order to prioritize the demands of your everyday life, um, because they feel complicated and time consuming.

I want to run through a couple of, um, key stereotypes that I’ve noticed and maybe give you some information around why, how they might be influencing your perception of self care. So the first is the luxury aspect. Luxury, social media often depicts this, that self care as requiring expensive products, expensive experiences, high end skincare routines, um, luxury vacations or designer wellness accessories.

Which are all beautiful and wonderful to have and be a part of, but it does promote the idea that self care is only accessible to those who can afford those luxuries. So it becomes a luxury experience as opposed to a necessity. There is an exclusivity aspect to self care. Um, self care is frequently marketed towards a very narrow demographic, usually affluent or well off women, young women, um, which creates a stereotype around self care that it isn’t for everyone.

Um, it ignores the diverse needs of all of us from different backgrounds, ages, genders, uh, and different personal requirements. Similarly, there is this, this, uh, a sense of aesthetic to, to self care on social media. The portrayal of self care, um, often focuses on visual perfection, emphasizing that beautifully curated images of yoga poses and, uh, serene bathtubs full of bubbles and, um, flower petals and pristine living spaces.

Again, these are all wonderful, um, experiences, and I don’t want to suggest that you shouldn’t do them, but it does lead to this unrealistic standard and misconception of self care being that it should look a certain way in order for it to be effective, which simply isn’t true. There is an individualism to social media self care as well.

Social media often forces you to It frames self care as a solitary activity, uh, focusing on what you can do alone. Um, and it overlooks the importance of connection and belonging that we have as human beings. It overlooks the possibility of collective wellbeing in a, in a holistic, um, approach to self care.

And for the record, I don’t want you to be put off by the word holistic. It simply means whole. So if we talk about, if I talk about a holistic approach, I mean a, an, um, a whole person approach to self care. Um, There is a simplistic aspect to self care. It’s often reduced to these simple one time activities like taking a bath or having a glass of wine.

Again, these are really wonderful practices and they can be relaxing, but they don’t address the deeper ongoing needs of us as human beings. Again, they can be reductive. The idea that self care can be achieved through a few basic actions, uh, minimizes the complexity of true self care. Um, and ultimately, which ultimately involves a balance of physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual practices that are tailored to your unique needs.

Um, I find as a coach, there’s a sense of a neglect, um, in social media, self care practices or trends. They often neglect the significant aspects of wellbeing, like mental health, long term wellness strategies, and they, they don’t tend to address the underlying issues that actually contribute to our experiences of stress and possible burnout.

Hopefully, I’ve explained a couple of reasons why social media stereotypes around self care are problematic. From my perspective as a coach, the biggest issue I find, this too, the biggest, for me, the first is that the practices that are promoted are normally, uh, typically driven by marketing tactics rather than anybody’s genuine need, um, marketing tactics and aesthetics that are not necessarily driven by our genuine need for self care.

And secondly, more crucially, They tend to tell you what you should do rather than asking you what might work best for you. Um, for me as a coach, that is a really important distinction. They’re not about you. They’re about somebody’s marketing. Um, and recognizing them as, recognizing the stereotypes are problematic is important.

Um, it is going to help you choose what is best for you. I do want to touch on some of the consequences of the misrepresentations, um, but before I do, I want to stress that I don’t hate social media. Social media is not bad. Um, I don’t want to promote a narrative that social media self care is bad. In fact, I quite love the idea that we are promoting self care.

Um, and the ideas that self, that are promoted are really wonderful. I want to encourage you to think critically about what you choose to buy into on social media, in particular when it comes to self care, because by promoting this narrow, consumer driven and marketing orientated, superficial view of self care, social media can distort it.

Our understanding of what is true, what self care truly means and how it can be effectively practiced, which ultimately goes on to compromise our overall wellbeing, whether we are women who lead or whether we are simply human beings. So. Um, I just want you to sort of take away, I really want you to remember that, um, superficial, uh, one size fits all solutions often undermine the experience of very real problems.

They undermine your unique experience of very real problems. The quick fixes often neglect real root causes of poorly managed stress or possible burnout. Um, and the pretty Instagram where the self care content often sets the really unrealistic and unattainable expectation of what self care looks like.

Okay, I’m done bashing social media. If you do have a pen and paper, this would be a really good time to make a note and think about what is surprising for you to think about in terms of the social media stereotypes. Um, if you are doing the dishes, running around after the kids, um, taking a walk and you can’t write down anything, just take Just take a few seconds to pause the tape maybe and, uh, well, tape, pause the recording and just have a think about what, um, has been surprising for you to think about so far in terms of the Superficial social media self care.

It’s a lot of messes. Um, and then I want to go back to basics, and I want to define self care. At its core, self care is the practice of taking action to preserve your own health. So, think about what that means to you, uh, personally. How, what, Does it mean to prioritize taking action to preserve and improve your own health?

And what does that mean for your business? What does that mean for your family? When you take time to prioritize and preserve and improve your health, Who else does it affect and how does it affect them? And similarly, in terms of your business, especially if you’re a woman that leads, if you’re a woman in a big organization, um, how does that affect your team when you take care of yourself, when you prioritize taking care of your health?

And if you are a business owner, how does that, how does your ability to prioritize your personal needs and your health influence or impact your team and your clients. Let’s take a few seconds to think about that. I want you to keep this definition in mind. I’m going to go through the framework. There is a picture on the website, um, page of the framework in its entirety.

I’m going to start with the first five Um, parts of it, I will explain it. So, the, um, the model that I’m using is a coaching model that I would use with my own clients on a one to one basis. Um, I just want to explain it to you high level so that you can utilize it to Think about what practices you might, um, invest in, in terms of supporting your personal wellbeing.

So it’s called the PERMA model. It’s P E R M A. Um, it was developed by Martin Seligman, a really well known American psychologist, um, who developed the model and published it in his book, Flourish, um, in 2011. There is a link in the show notes, if you would like to have a look at that book. Uh, he developed the model to help us measure, uh, And measurably improve our wellbeing.

So I’m going to go through each of the steps. The P is for positive emotion. E is for engagement. R is relationships. M is meaning and A is achievement. I will explain them in more detail. It’s really helpful to base our self care practices on a holistic wellbeing framework like this. Um, because it addresses more than just our physical health and enables us to, uh, develop a.

to develop tailored and sustainable practices that meet our personal needs and lifestyle, not someone else’s version of what you should be doing. So the first is P, positive emotion. It involves cultivating feelings of joy and gratitude and contentment. Um, when we think about emotions, we can look at emotions in three directions.

There’s the past, the present, and the future, and they all have an influence on how we feel. When we reflect, so you can look at, uh, you can reflect on your past experiences. They’re done. You can’t do anything about them, but you can reflect on them. Um, you can practice present moment awareness or mindfulness.

Um, and being present in this moment, this is where we are right now, right now, right now. Um, and you can visualize positive future outcomes. Um, again, you can’t control the future, but you can, you can practice the best possible outcome. So. When we think about the past, your practice could look like gratitude journaling.

Um, you could write down things that you feel grateful for each day, or you could spend some time in the evening just reflecting on what, what went well through the day. Mindfulness, it, uh, mindfulness is about present moment awareness, or meditation, which is making mental space to be still. You could spend a few minutes every day focusing on it.

Your breath and meditating or you could simply be present in the moment being 100 percent here with the people that you’re with with doing the thing that you’re doing Present moment awareness don’t let any social media complicate it for you, um Importantly we can visualize the future so we can imagine the best possible outcomes for the future events and train our brains to anticipate success, or we can visualize the worst possible, uh, um, um, outcomes and create these predictive cycles of, I knew it was going to pan out like this.

So, so I’m going to encourage you to imagine the best possible outcome and allow your brain to practice that success. E is for engagement. Um, engagement means being fully absorbed in activities. It’s often referred to as being in flow. Um, it involves, That’s a deep presence, enjoyment in a task. It’s usually a task where you’re, um, I’m going to use a trope.

Mind, body and soul is all invested in, in, in the moment. It’s usually something that busies your mind and busies your hands. Um, but, but also feels fulfilling, um, for you, uh, from a, from a soul perspective. Um, so in terms of. Practices that might improve your, sort of, essentially, Engagement or activities that make you feel in flow help to reduce your overall experience of stress and improve your overall satisfaction in life.

Um, flow activities could be anything really. Um, it’s really helpful to do something creative that engages, um, and challenges but interests you at the same time. So it could be hobbies or it could be work tasks if you have that, if you get that sense from work. Um, it could be about. It’s important to recognize that we are not built to multitask.

Focusing on one task is going to increase your engagement and productivity. Focusing on multiple tasks is going to distort your sense of engagement and productivity. So quit multitasking. Um, reflect on engaged moments. So think about times when you felt that inflow sense or felt that deeply connected sense.

Um, and, and to think about what specifically made that moment special for you and think about where you might place that in other parts of your life. R is for relationships. Relationships are absolutely crucial to us as human beings. We need connection. We need social connection. We need a sense of belonging.

And that comes from people. Um, so. It is crucial that you intentionally invest in and nurture your close relationships. Um, they will have a significant impact on your emotional and mental health. So that could look like regular check ins. It could be scheduling catch ups with your friends and family. It could be joining community groups or participating in community activities.

Things that interest you, it can’t just be for the sake of it. Um, it needs to be something that is fulfilling. for listening. And simple expressions of appreciation, you know, showing gratitude to the people around you, recognizing that you appreciate their existence. I am so grateful you’re alive. I’m so grateful I get to spend this time with you.

Um, that in itself strengthens bonds and gives you that sense of recognition in terms of gratitude. Um, M is for meaning. Meaning involves having a sense of purpose. And direction in life. I don’t mean an external purpose. Um, it’s not about having a thing to do. It’s about an internal sense of purpose. Um, um, and self worth.

Um, so. This would be about engaging in activities that align with your values and beliefs, or you could say your principles, your ethics, your morals, um, something that really aligns with the things that are important to you, that gives you that deep sense of fulfillment and purpose. That could look like setting, uh, personal goals, um, realistic personal goals that are actually achievable.

Um, so that would be about identifying what is important to you and then pursuing that diligently and, and with determination. Um, you could do something like volunteering. So for example, if you’re, um, If what’s important, if the environment is important to you and your social community or connection is important to you, you could volunteer to do something like litter picking, um, because it aligns with your personal values and it gives you that sense of satisfaction.

That would definitely give you a sense of meaning. But importantly, reflect on your values. What is important to you? Spend some time thinking about what matters to you most and, and how, where in your life are you already incorporating that? Achievement. You don’t know me very well if I haven’t made you feel extremely awkward and asked you, how will you celebrate your progress and success?

Um, achievement is about setting and reaching the goals and recognizing and celebrating that success. It’s, it boosts your morale, but it also taps into your brain’s reward system, which is, can be really powerful. Um, So again, set realistic goals. Aspirational goals are wonderful, but cut them down into really small pieces where you can recognize your progress and reward yourself for that progress.

Um, make it small, manageable pieces. Remember you only have to be 1 percent better every day. Um, and track your progress. You know, we, we, we focus very heavily on the, on the big results. We very rarely bring our awareness to the small results, the little steps that take us there. So tracking your progress, maybe in a journal or in an app is a really powerful way of recognizing your progress and success.

And it’s a great way to look back and say, look how much I’ve achieved. Well done. I’ve, look how much effort I’ve put into this. Um, Goal and celebrate your wins deliberately, effortfully, regularly, make time to acknowledge and reward yourself for the things that you have achieved, no matter how small they are.

I really want you to remember that these practices that I’ve suggested are yours to experiment with. Um, there are no shoulds. When you build a self care practice around these principles you’re ensuring that your self care practices are meaningful and tailored to your personal needs and from a psychological perspective are having a huge influence on your sense of well being.

I would love you to, if you have written, if you have got a pen and paper, to maybe make a note of what has been really helpful for you to think about so far. Um, if you are not in a position to make a note, take a few seconds to just think about what has been really helpful for you to think about. Um, I mentioned that the PERMA model, you’ll see the picture on the website.

Um, The PERMA model was developed in 2011, which shockingly was 13 years ago. I think I still think I’m living in 1999. Um, but since then, we’ve had some significant developments in research around wellbeing and the model has probably needed a little update in lots of examples. If you were to Google the model, you’ll find lots of examples with a plus symbol after PERMA.

So PERMA plus PE. Um, depending on where you look, the symbol has different meanings, but from my perspective, research suggests that our wellbeing can be really dramatically improved by our mindset or our attitude to, um, to life. Um, so for the purposes of this episode, I’ve, um, I am going to attach optimism to that plus in, in my model.

Optimism is our tendency to expect the best possible outcome. That’s what I mentioned earlier around visualization and look on the brighter side of life. Um, it involves an anticipating positive results, reframing our failures and mistakes as opportunities for growth and developing that overarching optimistic mindset that really has a significant impact on our overall well being and our resilience.

That’s your capacity to respond to change and adversity. So I’m going to run through a couple of ideas around practices you could implement. But I just want you to stress that these are yours to experiment with, and there is no hard and fast rule here. So, my first, um, recommendation, or suggestion, let’s say, would be to notice your negative thought patterns.

Reflect on areas in life where you’re often anticipating the worst. For example, if you’re frequently worrying about work outcomes, take a note of those thoughts and try to re frame them by, um, Looking at the fear and re and exploring what could actually go well. We tend to spend a lot from a biological perspective.

We wait negative information over positive. So it, it, it’s natural for us to lean into the negative. What we want to do is intentionally lean into the positive. What could go well? Um, there’s nothing wrong with being a little risk adverse and recognizing that there is a potential for flaws or failures, but focusing in on what could go well.

Reframe your failures when you do face setbacks, mistakes, or failures, which you will, uh, consciously reframe them as learning opportunities. For instance, if you missed a deadline and you see it as a failure, instead of seeing it as a failure, try to think of it as an opportunity to improve, uh, your time management skills, perhaps.

Do not smother it in toxic positivity. If you’re disappointed and frustrated that you missed the deadline, be disappointed and frustrated. Have that emotional experience, but don’t linger. Let those emotions go and focus on what the experience has taught you. Positive affirmations, speak positive words into your day to reinforce that optimistic outlook.

So, for example, if you start your day with things like, um, I am capable of achieving my goals, or every challenge is a new opportunity to grow. It doesn’t have to be anything airy fairy, it can be something really real and hard and fast. Visualize your success. Yeah. It’s a bit of a theme here, right? As I mentioned earlier, visualize positive outcomes, imagine yourself successfully completing your tasks, reaching your goals, handling your challenges with ease, allow your brain.

And I genuinely mean this. There is biological evidence that this happens in your brain and allow your brain to practice the best possible outcome. Vis. Um, so yes, visualize your successes, surround yourself with positivity, engage with people who are positive, who have a positive outlook, and try to discourage conversations that lean into that negativity.

The negative cycle. Um, people catch feelings. We catch feelings. Positive social interactions will boost your over, uh, your own optimism, um, and equally. Your optimism will boost other people’s optimism. Um, that is not to say good vibes only. We are human beings and when we deny our difficult emotions or difficult experiences, we deny the positive ones too.

So be frank and honest about your difficult experiences. Just don’t linger. Again, practice gratitude. Regularly acknowledge the good things in your life. I can’t stress this enough. Gratitude has this incredibly powerful and profound effect on our brains and it shifts our focuses. It has the power to shift our focus from what is not going well to what is going right and allows us to lean into those positive, optimistic thought patterns and mindset.

I do want to caution you against good vibes only.

And any kind of tropes or toxic positivity whereby everything should be good. Everything must be positive. Remember that you’re a human being and sometimes things are just tough. Sometimes things are unpleasant. Sometimes things are shit and we have to be open and honest with our difficult experiences.

And allow ourselves to have difficult emotions, to be disappointed, to be sad, to be angry, to be frustrated. But don’t linger with them. Don’t. Don’t allow them to consume your life. Reframe them as learning opportunities if you’re having a hard time to move on from them. Don’t smother them with positivity and don’t, and don’t placate, um, don’t placate in a way that, that means you’re ignoring your difficult emotions.

Okay, going back to that image, um, in some examples of the perma model, you might see a V for vitality, um, or you would see an H for health, um, added to the end. Um, if you’ve been to, if you’ve, um, If you’ve done any work with me, if you’ve been to my workshops or you’ve heard me, uh, coaching, I, you will know that I think we take a very one dimensional approach to health and we tend to focus purely on our physical health, how we eat, sleep, move, hydrate.

And when in fact, a holistic approach would take maybe another seven, at least seven aspects of health into consideration. So again, as a slight sidebar, and I do need to stress this, I don’t want you to be put off by the word holistic, it simply means a whole, so holistic approach means a whole person approach.

When we think about health, I want you to take eight principles, pillars, or dimensions into consideration. There is a, um, a secondary, uh, framework, which I won’t include, um, which assumes that there are eight mutually codependent aspects of health that we need to be paying attention to. Those include physical, emotional, occupational, social, spiritual, intellectual, environmental, and financial.

I’ll go through them in detail. Don’t worry. So let me catch my breath. Using this sort of. framework as an extension of the PERMA model will help you ensure that you’re taking a balanced approach to your self care practices. So, um, I’ll, I’ll go through them one at a time. Um, your physical health obviously involves your maintaining your healthy body through regular exercise, proper nutrition, adequate sleep, and Preventative disease care.

So your practices could include your gym routines and your yoga practice, or perhaps it’s focused around eating a balanced diet or, um, Uh, drinking however many liters of water a day or making sure that you have a good sleep routine. Your emotional health refers to understanding, regulating and managing your emotions as well as coping effectively with stress.

Stress is a very natural part of our body, of our biological makeup. We can’t get rid of it, but we do need to manage it effectively. So emotional health practices could mean practicing mindfulness, I’ve explained earlier, present moment awareness or meditation, clearing the clutter to have that moment of stillness in your mind.

Um, that could be on a daily basis, uh, to help you be present and manage stress, but it could also mean seeking the support of a therapist or a coach. Occupational health involves finding, um, satisfaction and enrichment in your work or daily activities. Um, this could mean identifying aspects of your job that you really enjoy and finding ways of bringing them out in other areas of your life.

It could also mean seeking out opportunities for professional and personal development. In terms of your business as a, uh, if you are, uh, um, a leader of people, you, this is about you feeling skilled and secure in your day to day job. Similarly, as a business owner. Again, I would encourage you to consider coaching as a possible resource for, for that particular, for your occupational health, social health focuses on building and maintaining healthy relationships and having those supportive social networks.

And I don’t mean online. I mean, in real life, as human beings, we crave connection and belonging. And whilst online relationships and, and, um, can be a lovely substitute. They are not, they’re not enough. So you might start with scheduling regular catch ups with your friends and family. Or again, you might start to participate in those community or group activities to strengthen your social connections.

And I do stress in real life, your spiritual health relates to having a sense of purpose and meaning in life that is outside of your day to day. Um, as human beings, we need something bigger than ourselves and bigger than our communities. And that tends to be, uh, either from a religious, uh, religious perspective.

perspective or from a spiritual perspective or what is connected to, um, you might find something connected to nature, if you will. So your practices could be about dedicating a few minutes every day to a spiritual or religious practice that resonates with you, or it could mean, uh, meditation, prayer, or simply spending time in nature.

Your intellectual health is about keeping your mind active, engaged, um, through problem solving or continuous learning. So your practices could be based around, um, uh, taking up a new hobby, doing brain puzzles, reading, reading something that, that you wouldn’t normally read. Maybe if you normally read, um, fiction, trying a sciency book or vice versa.

I read too many science y books. Um, environmental health involves your, uh, creating and maintaining your healthy physical environment. It’s not just about your eco friendly practices. It’s about It’s about your living and working spaces being clean and organized. It’s about your physical environment feeling healthy and safe for you as a human being.

Um, that could be about your practices could look like, um, an overindulgence in houseplants. It could be about keeping the windows open. Um, it could be, it’s, it’s anything that improves your physical atmosphere. Thank you. And financial health importantly for a business owner, but importantly for us all financial health involves managing our current financial resources effectively to reduce our overall sense of stress, but it also create creating a sense of security in our future.

Um, this could mean you create a budget and you track your spending and saving. It could be about seeking financial advice for investments. Um, and it could be about speaking to somebody to support you with long term goals like retirement or buying a home. That is all I have for you. I hope that you’ve been able to take some notes or at least think about the framework and how it might work for you and identify some helpful practices that would specifically work for you.

Remember that everything I’ve shared is yours to explore and experiment with. There are no rules here. Um, and I’ll see you Take, if you do decide to use the framework, or you do decide to set yourself a whole bunch of new goals, uh, self care goals, Um, I want you to remember that you don’t have to do everything, and you don’t have to do anything.

Whenever you decide to, um, Start small and build from there. Remember, you only need to be 1 percent better every day. If you would like to work with me, if you’d like to take a deeper dive for you personally, or you’d like me to deliver this episode in a workshop format and help your team explore these ideas for themselves, um, I would love to hear from you.

There should be an email, um, in the transcript. on the website page. Otherwise, subscribe to my weekly email for more resources just the same.

Uh, found anything specifically valuable in this episode. Uh, I’d love you to share one big takeaway in the comments is lovely for me to know what you are taking away and what you would like more of. Thank you so much for listening. Take good care of yourself. Bye-bye. 📍  

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