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THERE ARE HELPFUL AND UNHELPFUL ASPECTS OF PERFECTIONISM – RATHER THAN THINKING OF IT AS SOMETHING TO GET RID OF, TRY THINKING OF REPURPOSING IT FOR GOOD!

This episode is designed to help women who lead explore their own, unique experience of perfectionism, and the thought patterns, emotions and behaviours that may be influenced. There is a duality to perfectionism and this episode will help you to manage the less helpful aspects of this personality trait, explore the 6 underpinning unhelpful patterns and begin to rethink how you tame your perfectionist.

ready to take a deeper dive with me?

  📍 You’re listening to another episode of unearthing gold. A podcast packed with actionable and practical. Value adding insight for women who lead.

And I think gold is inspired by the coaching principle that your gold is all already within you. My role as a coach. Is to clear the mental clutter that suggests otherwise and help you unearth your gold. My name is Ashleigh Hayden. I’m a behavioral coach accredited with the International Coach Federation.

My coaching practice is informed by neuroscience and acceptance and commitment therapy. Which really just means I have a nuanced understanding of why we do the things that we do and how we might start to do them better. It also means I spend a lot of money on studying and writing exams. I promise if you hang out with me for too long, I’ll brainwash you into believing in yourself and trusting that you can achieve anything.

I hope that you find last week’s episode around Imposter Syndrome.

Insightful. If you have any questions or thoughts about the episode, art, please feel free to reach out. I’d love to take a deeper dive with you. Today. I want to tackle a tough double edged sword that many of us face on a daily basis. Perfectionism. Perfectionism as a personality trait that drives. Unhealed, uh, helpful.

Um, Parts of us, the parts of us that strive for excellence, um, that hold high standards and. That relentless pursuit of.

Gold standards. Perfectionism and it’s missed helpful parts. The least helpful parts of perfectionism are likely to also create crippling anxiety, procrastination, and will most certainly put you on a fast track to burnout. I want to go back to the part where I said a perfectionism is a personality trait, as opposed to a thought pattern.

So imposter syndrome, as I’ve described. In last week’s episode is a thought pattern. Uh, personality trait. Like perfectionism is an intrinsic unconscious part of you. Um, if you might think about it as part of your internal operating system. Whereas a thought pattern is a bit like the software that runs on that uprating system.

It. As it puts up something like perfectionism as a personality trait is going to drive how you behave in most areas of your life. It’s not just going to be unique to one set of circumstances, like a thought pattern.

Changing a personality trait or like how I like to describe it is re-purposing a personality trait. Is going to take a little bit more work than a thought pattern. Imagine that you’ve got to update a part of your internal operating system that’s been running. As long as you’ve been alive. So in terms of how your brain has holds that information, it’s. Very deeply ingrained. So I thought patterns like imposter syndrome can be changed more immediately because of context and circumstance and shifting thought patterns is tough.

It’s not straightforward, but it’s easier than shifting a part of your personality or updating a post part of your personality.

So where we talk about restructuring conclusive, restructuring around imposter syndrome, isn’t necessarily going to be applicable for a perfectionism, but I’ll get into. Some ideas that you might. Put to you put to good use. I don’t want to encourage a negative narrative around perfectionism. Instead, I want you to recognize and remember that there are helpful and unhelpful aspects of every single experience that we have as human beings. And for perfectionism. Your perfectionism is responsible for good things and difficult things. If you think about, if you think your perfectionism is tripping you up or slowing you down, you could explore repurposing your perfectionism. It. It is crucial. If you decide to do that, it is crucial to start by and by addressing the underlying or underpinning beliefs and intentionally develop more helpful thinking patterns and coping strategies.

What I want you to be aware of is that there are six very specific thinking processes or patterns that underpin perfectionism your experience of perfectionism. So I’m going to share those with you. And if anything comes up for you. Just trying to think about what it, what it what’s important to you. What’s helpful about that aspect to you personally. So the first is high standards. I’m not suggesting you drop your standards. But perfectionism is responsible for that. Perpetual drive excellence.

However setting impossibly high or unrealistic or even UN, um, reasonable standards is going to paralyze you. If that doesn’t, if that sentence doesn’t make sense to you, I want you to think about a time where you’re super, super high standards have stopped you from doing something or even maybe stopped you from try just trying.

The next is self criticism. Self criticism is that internal monologue that focuses on how you all, your, all your perceived flaws and mistakes. It’s the voice inside that tells you, you aren’t doing enough. You haven’t done it right. You’ll never get anything right. This is the reason why I bang on bang on about self-talk. Because how you talk to yourself has a huge impact on your self-esteem and your motivation. And puts you in a pre, uh, pre positions you as, um, Puts you in that sort of stressful situation, that’s probably going to activate something like prick, like perfectionism. The other thing is your fear of failure. It’s absolutely normal to feel fear when you are trying something new or if you’re doing something that you care about, it’s, it’s a natural part of you to feel fear. When that hit. The fact is though that fear inhibits our rational thought. So when that fear consumes you enough to stop you from doing something that’s that you care about or something that you, that feels scary because it’s new. Then it’s gone too far. So it’s really important to reality.

Check your fears. Um, and w what’s driving that. Unreasonable fair. Comparison, whether you talk about self comparison or social comparison. It is that persistent worry about what they will think of you if you, and I say they in. Inverted comments, what they will think of you, if you do X, Y, and Z thing. Um, it’s often you leaning into your own version of the worst case scenario of what they might think of.

You. And actually. Nine times out of 10 has nothing to do with what they actually think. Um, It also, I am going to do an episode on comparison. Um, so the next episode is on comparison. So you’ll have, I’ll give you a little bit more insight. Into what might be going on in your brain in that context?

You might’ve heard of all or nothing thinking.

So that’s another part of perfectionism when you have that. You might’ve heard a cord. Uh, black and white thinking or absolute thinking in absolutes, it essentially means that. There is that nothing can be right and wrong. It has to be right or wrong. There’s no space for complexity, no space for nuance or paradox. So as far as perfectionism goes, that means that anything less than perfection is going to be deemed a failure by you internally, potentially unconsciously. And the final piece. Is that. Is that you might be, have an overemphasis on results. So that could look like you feeling that overwhelming drive, external validation, someone else to tell you that you’re doing okay.

Someone else to applaud your. Um, fabulous idea. Someone else to tell you that you’re perfect. Usually in the words that you hold in your mind that might not be in any way related to another human being. Outside of your own ideas of what you wanted in terms of congratulation.

So there’s the so. This is a six kind of key. Thought patterns. Um, Um, they’re not all thought patterns. Some of them are. There are, there is nuance to each of them. But essentially that’s what underpin, those are some of the ideas that might be underpinning your experience of perfectionism. So what’s important is that you want to go into those thoughts and what I’m finding and what it is that’s driving. You to have that need for perfectionism. Four. Perfect. For perfection, can’t say a little piece. Um, We tend to think that we are better at hiding these uncomfortable experiences, um, than we actually are. And often that means that we underestimate the unconscious impact or influence they are experiences have on the people around us. Now, uh, this is really important to notice as a woman who leads, especially if you have a team because your exceptionally high standards might be creating a culture of stress in your team. And equally your self-imposed expectations could be turning you into a micromanager. And ultimately all of that will UN all of these belief patterns.

I’ve talked about perfectionism. Um, imposter syndrome. The whole package is going to put you in a stress state. And ultimately undermine your own wellbeing.

As an all things, human, you’ve got to recognize that your experience is not going to necessarily be linear. You may feel some of the things that I’ve described in great depth and some of them, you might only feel lightly. These patterns of thought these beliefs, these personality traits, they are. All. Unique to you, your experience of them, the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that come out as a result of them are incredibly unique. Which ultimately means that there are no quick fixes.

There’s no one size fits all that I can suggest that will help you. Team your perfectionist. What I can do is first and foremost. Encourage you to recognize that perfectionism is a label. Um, it’s a label that we use to describe a group of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Labels are also, but labels can be reductive and oversimplify your unique and very complex experience of a behavior trade. So, unless you’re diagnosed. By a quality qualified professional who says you have X, Y, and Z, and perfection is not.

So I don’t think you can get a diagnosis for perfectionism. Um, It is a label and it may be inaccurate. It may be potentially harmful by giving yourself that label. Attaching labels to our identity can ultimately lead to a sort of self perpetuating or predictive cycle that starts with a narrative than I I’m a perfectionist.

Therefore I do X, Y, and Z. I do things in a particular way because I have carry this label and that in itself can be unhelpful. So instead of labeling yourself, the first thing that I really want you to do is try to describe. And validate your unique thoughts, feelings, and experience of whatever you’re calling perfectionism. And P and. I really want to stress the value of how you speak about things, your, your. The words that you choose to use have incredible value. Um, for your brain. Uh, your brain essentially takes. Any information that you speak as an instruction.

So rather than saying, I am a perfectionist and I do. X Y and Z behavior. Try saying something like I have high standards and sometimes I struggle with. Self-criticism. You’ve got to recognize your unique thoughts and feelings and behaviors without using the label to give you a more nuanced and accurate understanding of your, your experience.

That’s the first thing. That you need to do to start unpacking and unpicking these kinds of, uh, these unhelpful behaviors.

I like to talk about re-purposing perfectionism, because I do believe there is a helpful aspect to perfectionism. And I do believe there is an unhelpful aspect to perfectionism. What you’ve got to do is choose which of the pieces you want to take forward in which you need to let go of. So repurposing. Uh, perfectionism involves first and foremost, addressing those underlying beliefs and developing new thinking patterns and coping strategies. So I’m going to suggest three actionable strategies that you could go away and experiment with immediately today. As we’re listening as you’re listening to me. Uh, talking. So the first is to recognize your thoughts as thoughts.

Your thoughts are not absolute truths.

Talk to your perfectionism as if it were a person or a part of your paradigm. Um, Uh, part of your identity. The part of you, that’s saying. I have to have this done perfectly. Um, I’m a failure. If I don’t do this perfectly speak to that voice. Um, validate. That need as well recognize that, that, that, that. Uh, voice has a need that is coming from somewhere in you. And it’s okay to validate that.

And then. Tell it that you’re going to try and do something different this time. So you might answer that voice with, yes. I know you want this done perfectly. And I’m going to do it well enough. Let the tension in that voice release the voice that’s telling you what to do, let the tension release, and then picture, you could picture the whole sentence as if it were a balloon.

Imagine those, um, huge, uh,

Helium filled letters. Only a little bit overfilled. Imagine the texture of the balloon and, um, the seam of the balloon around the edge of the edges of the sentence. Feel the texture of the string in your hand. And the pool is a helium strains. You know, toward the sky. And when you’re ready. Let that sentence go.

Let that I have to have this done perfectly sentence. Go. And allow it to be a thought, not an absolute truth.

The second. Thing that I would encourage you to start doing straight away. Is to accept your feelings and. Stop trying to change or fight them. When you deny repress or avoid your emotional experiences, you essentially exacerbate your experience of them. You make them bigger than they are. So instead of pretending that you don’t feel something instead of high vibes only. Feel your, when you feel that perfectionism rising, validate your experience, I notice I’m feeling anxious about this task it’s and, and, you know, give yourself some compassion.

It’s totally normal to feel stressed of ahead of a deadline. It’s completely normal to feel, um, stressed. If you care about the end result, it’s completely normal to feel stressed. If, um, if it feels like something you’ve not done before.

I want you to redirect your attention. Once you’ve recognized that it’s not that you, that you have a specific feeling, whether it’s anxiety, perhaps it’s a procrastination, perhaps it’s, um, a sense of foreboding, perhaps it’s, um,

Maybe it’s something physical, feel it tight, like maybe it’s tightening in your shoulders and your chest.

Feel the experience, the emotion don’t deny it. And then normalize it recognize it’s completely normal for me to feel this way, because I’m doing something brave. I’m doing something. Uh, new, I’m doing something in a hurry. And then I want you to really redirect your attention to your breath. And allow the anxiety to subside is a really powerful, um, and simple. Uh, technique breathing technique called box breathing.

Just Google it. It’s uh, I’ll make sure there’s a link in the transcript. For the, um, in the show notes for the podcast. Box breathing is, was developed by, I think it was developed by Navy seals or a Marines. Uh, essentially to calm panic situations. So in if you were under a terrorist attack, for example, The, uh, box spinning as it is a technique that we use to calm. In those situations in order for us to be able to think more productively. So, if you are feeling that anxiety rising, if you’re feeling like it’s procrastination, Give yourself time to breathe into that experience. Um, remember that high pressure situations are always going to create a sense of fear and that’s entirely normal.

The third technique I’d like you to try is to reconsider what’s important to you.

Your perfectionism is most definitely showing up. Uh, because you care about something, it’s a really great indicator. That you care about the task that you are. Um, Uh, that you care about the results that you agreeing to produce.

So try and take a step back and think about what specifically is important to you about the thing that you’re doing. That you care about? Is it that you care about the client and how the client feels when they receive the product that you’re making? Could it be about promptness or integrity? Is it something around innovation? Your goal isn’t perfection.

Your goal is the thing that you care about. So shift your focus from achieving that perfect thing to align your actions with what really matters with you. So if it’s promptness. Align your actions with making sure it arrives on time, rather than allowing the procrastination to slow you, missing your deadline, creating all that unnecessary stress. If you’re up for it. I love you to try and exercise with me right now. While you’re listening. Um, all you need to just take a few seconds to think about. A recent task where your perfectionism was activated and you felt that. That. Uh, familiar pattern rising within you. Um, I’ll give I’ll pause for a few seconds and let you think about it.

No. I want you to ask yourself two questions. If you’re driving or you’re doing washing up or. Following children are up somewhere. You can just think about your own answers, but if you’re able to write them, write down your thoughts, it’s going to give you a little bit more insight into what might be going on for you. So the first question I want you to ask is what value or principle. Is behind my desire for this task to be perfect.

I’ll repeat it for you in case you’re standing at the sink and not able to write down. What value or principle was behind my desire for this task to be perfect.

The second question is, how might I honor. This value or principle without demanding perfection from the task.

I’ll repeat it for you. How might I honor this value or principle without demanding perfection from the task.

As I say, if you all washing up or driving or following children, rod. Just give it some thought, give these things some thought. Um, your answer is the right answer. There’s no, there’s no wrong answer. It’s just about what your experience, your thoughts, your feelings, your experience. And if you do write it down, it will give you a little bit more insight into what you might be experiencing, that you were calling perfectionism.

If you do want to talk about it some more, drop me an email.

I would love to talk more. I love to talk about these things. Uh, more.

As I said previously, there are no quick fixes. There is no one size fits all solution to overcoming perfectionism. The key is really to get comfortable with the idea of failure. That’s one of the really key exercises that I, um, work with. My, uh, one-to-one clients, whether it’s, uh, leaders of big organizations or whether it’s women who have small enterprises. That’s one of the key things that we talk about is how we adjust to the possibility of potential failure. And there’s plenty of strategies that I can suggest and recommend around failure. That will help you. See it as an opportunity as opposed to a, an opportunity for growth and opportunity for learning as opposed to, uh, an outright. The catastrophe or disaster, which is probably, which may be one of the things that are going on in the back of your mind when you feel that perfection, that. Story of perfectionism rising.

A really great resource.

I recommend for women who are, who lead is Amy Edmondson’s right. Kind of wrong. It’s the perfect book for anybody. Who’s building a team or looking to embrace a healthier perspective of failure.

That is all I have for you today. I would love you to share in the comments. Um, one thing that you’ve taken away from this from if you, uh, From listening to this episode. And if you would like me to deliver this episode in the form of a workshop to support your team, or if you would like to take a deeper dive into, uh, your own experiences of, uh, perfectionism. I would love you to follow the links, um, below the episode, transcript and book a session with me.

And if you would like more actionable resources like this, subscribe to my weekly email, using the link in the Fisher. Um, and thank you so much for listening to unearth and gold. I hope it has helped you to honor a little of your own gold. 📍

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